This interview challenged me to recognize a particular ‘reality’ of myself, of how I have been existing or rather been accepting and allowing myself to exist. The being in the interview shares how they during their lifetime never really developed themselves as an individual because they spent so much time in their mind comparing themselves with others. They used others as a reference to define themselves and so actually ended up with ‘nothing’ of substance within themselves. Nothing that could exist independently of having a point to compare with.
As I listened to the interview and looked through my own life, specifically asking myself what would actually be left of me if I take away all the images and memories I’ve been placing and using in my mind as points of reference to compare and define myself by, I realized how much of myself I am defining through comparison and how little I can really say is purely ‘me’, as in a pure individual ‘stand-alone’ expression of myself as a being. Most of who I am, what I do and how I ‘operate’ internally, in terms of how I look at and approach reality and myself, evolves around ‘other people’. I spend more time thinking about others and regard myself only in terms of how I compare to them. I very rarely enter a space within myself where only I exist, where I ask myself who I am or what I want to create purely for myself, without having thoughts come in about other people. Thoughts about what X or Y would do, what this or that person would think of me or how I may be perceived by such and such.
At the realization that really I don’t see a ‘me’ that’s existing independently from any comparison with others, I decided that therefore the only real point I have right now is the honesty and understanding that I don’t actually exist. Meaning that the image I had come to build and construct of ‘who I am’ through comparison in my mind is not actually me as it cannot stand independently. Take away the comparison and that image cannot exist anymore.
In other words, if I am ever going to start creating a real ‘me’, I will have to start from scratch, from whatever is left when I let go of all thoughts about ‘others’ and am alone with only me within myself. Only in that space can I start being genuine with myself and start developing a ‘me’ that is independent. Its in being honest with myself about who I am not that I can start considering who I am. Then at least I can say that I am honest, genuine and independent as real expressions and traits of ‘who I am’ as a being.
13 Oct 2018 at 4:40 am